My room usually reflects the current state of my life. Clearly, I've got it altogether. My five year plan is going smoothly, I actually have a five year plan, my laundry isn't a million days overdue, oh, and I don't use my chairs as desks. I hope you could tell that I was totally lying because I know sarcasm doesn't read well on the interwebs. Also, I know in my first blogpost I said I wouldn't spill my feelings into this series, but that also was a damn lie. I am a bad, bad human. Consider this post a fat Freudian slip, a total accident that's way too honest. I'm probably going to read back on this and wonder "Why'd you this? Your past self was not kind to you." It's just like looking back at your Myspace page, which I totally don't do.
Let's get real, this week has been insane and makes me feel insane sometimes. Usually, I have weekly cycles between manic episodes and then depression, but this week, it has been daily. This is new to me, and I don't like new. I was finally befriending my bipolar disorder and my medication and then life threw me a damn curveball. I scrambled all week and it's almost like I blacked everything out. I just remember it like a shitty college dorm collage of madness.
I'm not sure what happened this week, but I managed to get a full band, new gigs lined up, a commission to illustrate a book, a collaboration with a music event planner, and made progress for my music video. From an outside perspective, I got super lucky last week. What really happened was that I went absolutely manic. Many people who are bipolar that tend to be more manic are described as "creative, goal driven, and outgoing." I use Lamictal, a medication that deals the the depressive side of bipolar better than the manic side. When a manic episodes happens, I start to get this buzz on my face and then this overwhelming feeling that the apocalypse will happen and it'll all be my fault because I didn't achieve my goals. After my manic episode, I'll crash and my speech will lag and my body will revert to its bed.
On one hand, I can't hate that I go manic like that. It's just how I function and if I think of it that way, I don't feel so crazy. A lot of my success has come from my madness. On the other hand, it's shitty to have a lot of my actions be fueled by fear. Also, all of these plans I make for myself replace the practical things in my life like school and physical health.
Like I did in this post, I spilled super hard to the boo thang during dinner last night and he asked me a question I didn't have the answer to: "Is it because your medication isn't working?" Maybe it is. Or, maybe it's because my grandma recently passed, maybe it's because I'm balancing school with my career, maybe it's because I'm being bipolar about being bipolar. Maybe it's all of the above or none. Maybe I'm just me. It's impossible to diagnose a life and it's impossible for one pill to figure it all out for you.
This little rant of mine is pretty heavy, but surprisingly enough, I can still end it on a good, and horrendously cheesy note. I don't have the answers. Unfortunately, this blog doesn't have any closure. It's like in the Giver when Jonas just sleds into nothingness. Like, what a cop out, right? What I've learned is I am not insane, I'm just me. And that's pretty dope! I'm taking action to just take a step back, even if it means putting some parts of my life on hold for a bit. No, I didn't make it to some of my classes, no, I didn't make it to all of my music business meetings, and yes, I'm pretty damn behind, but I don't feel bad about it because it's not me being defeated. It's me being active in self-care. My life is still parallel to my messy, stinky ass room, but it was just the mess I needed
P.S. My doctor and I have decided to stay stable on my medication because of the recent events that have occurred. We can't really compartmentalize what's causing the madness. Let's see how it goes, gang. Wish me luck!
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